I don't know how to preface this, so I'm just going to start.
I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a long time. It's hard to even imagine life without them now. I don't want to die, though. I think that's something people don't realize about suicide; it's not something I want, I don't want to die.
By all means, I *want* my life to get better. I want to not be alone anymore, I want to stop feeling the urge to break something whenever I see my reflection or hear my voice, I want to stop falling asleep to thoughts of self hatred, and I want to stop waking up alone. I can't fix any of that, though.
More than anything I wish I had a partner. I don't want a partner just for sex or something; in fact, my discomfort with my own body has grown to such severity that just the thought of having sex makes me feel nauseous. I used to wish I had a partner to work on projects with, play video games with, that sort of thing, but I don't even want that anymore. I just want someone to physically be with. I just want someone to hug me, to hold me while I fall asleep, to absolutely and unconditionally trust. That's incredibly cheesy I know, but I don't have the time left to care about things like that; I'm uncomfortably aware that my clock is running down.
I've said it before, but I will say it again: What hurts the most is the utter futility. I can't have a partner. I don't know anybody anymore. I don't go anymore, and I have nowhere to go, and no money to go there with. There's not a single living soul that could even theoretically have any romantic interest in me. For that matter, any interest anyone could have would be entirely based on some sort of sick fetish; after all, I can't even see myself as a woman, it's ridiculous to think that somebody else would.
Yeah, sure, given enough time, things might change. But time is one of the many things I don't have. I don't have the energy to "get out there". I don't have the time to just sit and wait for something to change. I won't be alive by then. I'm not saying I'm about to kill myself or something; for one, I couldn't even say that without risking my safety, but more importantly, I'm not, I don't even have the energy. The reality, though, is that it will happen eventually. The way I am now *must* change, it's an unstable state of existence, and if history is any indication, the change will not be everything magically getting better. If history is any indication, the change will be a loss of life.
I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's supposed to be a sort of "I told you so" when the worst inevitably happens, but that's obviously sort of pointless. Maybe it's a cry for help, but that's even more pointless; there's nobody listening. Maybe I want someone to know what happened to me if I disappear, but nobody's looking. I don't know why I'm writing this, or why I do anything else, anymore. I'm just lost, and I don't think I'll ever be found.